How to Help Your Child (and Your Inner Child) Manage Their Anxiety
Why am I posting a blog about helping children with anxiety when I do not counsel children, you ask?Because we all have our own experience of having been children ourselves. Sometimes, when we are overwhelmed as kids or adolescents, the fear we experienced lingers in our memory networks, and is played out in our present-day, adult emotions and body constrictions, pain, and stress. It can be helpful to learn how to soothe these "kid parts" of ourselves. If you have actual children who inevitably need help regulating their big emotions and little bodies, then all the more reason to learn regulation skills for both them and you.
In other words, if we were never helped to cope with overwhelm, stress, fear or trauma as children, what makes us think we will magically know how to cope well as adults without learning the skills, or be able to help our own kids? Think back on your childhood. Everything new was something to be not-so-sure of. It was easy to feel a bit anxious on the first day of school or meeting someone for the first time, or that first visit to the dentist. Children, even in the most stable and loving of families, feel anxious at bedtime, having to go to the doctor, or on their first day of summer camp.
When children experience anxiety, they may run away, become very quiet, scream, shake, act silly, cling or have a tantrum to avoid the stressful situation. You may have tried to talk with your child and reason with them in these moments. But this generally doesn’t work. Brain research suggests that it is extremely difficult for young children to think logically or control their behavior in these anxious moments. They are experiencing real fear and the fight/flight/freeze mode that accompanies it.
Similarly, we as adults don't usually succeed with using rationality to shift out of fearful or other emotional states. We need strategies to soothe ourselves and those little kids inside of us. Again, adults experience fear, sometimes getting triggered into past memories of being in those fight/flight/freeze modes. Parents can experience overwhelm in their own bodies when their children become upset, making it necessary to know how to soothe themselves and their distressed children.
Here are 3 science-based ways parents can help their children manage their anxiety so they may regain a sense of safety. Keep in mind these strategies help adults, too. Try them out yourself, then invite your children to participate when things are calm. Once you get good at these exercises when things are calm, it will be easier to use them when needed in more stressful times. Are your kids happy and bouncing off the walls? Try these things to get them to calm down - that's an example of an easier time to practice than during a 5-alarm panic.
1. Stimulate Their Vagus Nerve
The vagus nerve is a very long nerve that works in many areas of the body, including innervating the voice box. Studies have shown that stimulating it can interrupt the fight/flight/freeze mode and send a signal to your child’s brain that he or she is not under attack. This then automatically begins to help your child's nervous system regulate and calm.
Some ways to help your child stimulate this nerve are:
- Hum or sing (think monks humming long notes - make it silly)
- Gargle with regular warm water
- Have them chew gum
2. Help Them Slow Their Breathing
Like adults, when children are anxious they tend to take rapid shallow breaths from the chest. Taking slower, deeper breaths from the abdomen sends a signal to their brain that they are safe and can relax.
Older children may be able to follow you as you show them slow breathing exercises. For younger children, there are some playful ways to get them to slow down and control their breathing. You can have them blow bubbles, blow into a pinwheel, imagine your fingers are birthday candles and have them slowly blow them out, teach them to whistle and simply see if they can hold their breath for three seconds as if they were swimming.
3. Be Silly
Research also suggests that humor can significantly reduce anxiety. Humor has a way of distracting, relaxing muscles and releasing endorphins that combat stress and anxiety.
Try silly knock-knock jokes or word games like “I went on a picnic.” A quick internet search will result in a ton of corny jokes that your youngster will most likely love, so print some out and have them on hand. The internet is full of more adult humor and memes for you to get a laugh in, as well. Remember, regulate yourself, then co-regulate with your child.
Anxiety is a part of life, but if you use these three techniques, you can help your child manage theirs while you manage yours.
To learn more adult skills for toning your vagus nerve and shifting into calmer states in your body, consider taking my online course, which includes instructional videos of effective exercises, and a printable journal to complete over several weeks (practice is key for regulating your nervous system):
How to Calm Your Nervous System with the Window of Tolerance and Vagus Nerve
https://insidetherapy.thinkific.com/courses/WindowofTolerance
See you here in October for my next monthly blog article!
Jennifer Hume, LMHC, LPC, MCAP
Jenniferhume.com